We explain what assertiveness is and what it means to be assertive. In addition, its definition according to the RAE and what is assertive communication.
What is assertiveness?
When speaking of assertiveness, it usually refers to a communicative model that seeks an ideal balance between aggressive and passive positions of communication, to maintain a frank, fair and respectful information exchange process.
This means that theassertive communication it is a way of dealing with others, of saying what you want and of managing your own emotionality to achieve efficient and beneficial communication for all.
Assertiveness is based on the idea that everyone has their own and inherent rights that must be respected, which naturally includes the issuer. According to this, there are two types of traditional communicative models:
- Aggressive model. One who contemplates his own rights very well, but very little those of the other. Is a model selfish, narcissistic, who tends to attack others or verbally violate them to impose communication. It is usually exhausting for everyone involved and damages the relationships.
- Passive model. He who submits to the designs of others, contemplating his rights well but his own very poorly. This model can be viewed as "spineless," shy, or hesitant, and is often ineffective or ambiguous, often leading to an aggressive model later to compensate.
In this way, assertiveness proposes an intermediate path between aggressiveness and passivity, based more on reason, the spoken word and frank communication, without giving in to the emotions of the moment, but without either denying or undervaluing them. To do this, a communication model focused on the facts and not on considerations, on the expression of feelings and not on aggression, is proposed.
Be assertive
Assertiveness was initially understood as a trait of personality, which supposed that some have it and others simply don't. That does not mean that it cannot be developed. Later, however, it was determined that this was not the case: the same person could be assertive in some situations and not in others, depending.
This is because assertiveness is linked to self esteem, the maturity and other components of the personality that influence the way we communicate and the place we give ourselves. And these factors are not always the same nor do they operate the same.
Assertiveness according to the RAE
The dictionary of the Royal Spanish Academy defines assertiveness as a "quality of assertiveness", that is, "Affirmative" or "Said of a person: who defends his opinion firmly".
From there it seems to follow that assertiveness has to do with the ability to clearly and firmly state what has to be said, to enjoy the I respect alien, without violating the interlocutors, but not submitting to them either.
Assertive communication
Some recommendations to develop assertive communication are the following:
- Maintain eye contact. When we talk to someone and we see them with attention, not in an aggressive or invasive way, but simply by making them understand that we are interested in what they say, we demonstrate and generate interest, which feeds back our communicative expectations, since at the same time we feel included and part of what is communicated.
- Maintain an open body posture. Arms crossed over the chest, rigid or distant gestures will sabotage communication, as they are non-verbal ways of showing disinterest or rejection of the other. The same is true when emitting: an open body posture will invite the other to listen, while a closed one will immediately discourage him.
- Have objectives when communicating. Knowing what you want to say is the best previous step to communicate, since if we do not know what we want to achieve, it will cost us much more to transmit it, and we may wander, lose the thread or hesitate when talking .
- Balance the communication. This happens by being aware of how long we talk and how long we listen to the other, so as not to be passive or overwhelming.
- Modulate the voice. Maintaining an audible but not shouted tone of voice, pronouncing completely and correctly instead of quickly and without modulating, are key strategies so that the other has an interest in listening to us, can do it effectively and incidentally grant us an important quota of attention, that It will positively feed back our desire to be active (or less so, in the case of aggressive people) within the communication process.
- Do not give in to emotions. Instead of complaining or reproaching, or worse, insulting, it would always be better to describe the situation that occurred and what she made us feel, and then go directly to what we want so that it does not repeat itself. In this way we guarantee that the other knows what we want, what happened and does not get involved in defending themselves against a sudden attack.